


Beneath

by GingerFerret



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Draco Malfoy-centric, Epilogue from Harry's POV, Eventual Romance, Happy Ending, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Hope, Hurting Draco, Loneliness, Love, M/M, POV Draco Malfoy, Pining Draco Malfoy, Post-War, Suicidal Thoughts, lonely Draco
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-09 12:47:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11104878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GingerFerret/pseuds/GingerFerret
Summary: One afternoon when the air was particularly balmy, and most of the eighth year students were lounging near the Great Lake, Draco sat by himself in the shade of a tall birch tree. Once again, he felt like a ghost in the shadows, watching the living play in the sunlight





	1. Beneath

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at Angst :-O If you like it, let me know :)

Raven black hair. 

That was the first thing that caught Draco's attention. Raven black hair shining in the sunlight streaming in through the windows of the Charms classroom. 

The hair curled slightly at the nape of a tanned neck. The golden skin disappeared down into a dark green shirt collar that stuck up from beneath a set of black school robes. Broad shoulders and a strong back hunched slightly over the day's assignment. The back of a chair obscured Draco's view of the rest of the display. 

Draco sighed. 

 

\---

 

A flash of green in a smiling face. 

White teeth and the hint of a pink tongue. Rumbling laughter and a broad hand clapping Weasley's shoulder. 

Draco wished his was the shoulder beneath that hand; that it was he, who was the reason for that happy smile that made those green eyes sparkle with mirth. 

An impossible dream. 

Hidden behind a book, he kept watching that glowing face just a few tables away. The library had always been Draco's favorite place to study, but these days his school work often laid forgotten, while his eyes sought out what his hands longed to touch. 

Another bout of laughter made Draco look down. He wasn't part of that happiness. Being in the presence of it only intensified his own feeling of loneliness. 

He packed away his things and left the library. 

 

\---

 

The Great Lake was breathtakingly beautiful in the moonlight. Dark and ominous, but for Draco that was part of its beauty. He identified with the calm surface, hiding from the world what laid beneath. 

It was a quiet night. 

Draco was resting his back against an oak tree, the grass soft and damp beneath the thin fabric of his trousers. He ran his fingers through the blades. They tickled the palms of his hands in a light caress. 

Returning to Hogwarts after the war had been both a blessing and a curse. None of the people he called friends had returned, leaving him lonely and isolated in the dungeons. He wasn't exactly anyone's dream of a new acquaintance with his faded Dark Mark and less than jovial demeanor. But that was just fine. He was here to finish his studies, not make new friends. 

What made him sad was the constant reminder that he would never be allowed to do what everyone else had, by silent agreement, decided was the general modus operandi: to move on. That was the perk of being on the winning side - the _right_ side. You were _allowed_ to move on. It was even encouraged. Not that anyone seemed to do so lightly - almost everyone had lost someone close to them, and there was the general heartbreak of war. 

But for Draco, things were different. No one said anything, but he had the distinct impression that he was expected to carry the weight of being so seriously misguided. 

Did they not know that it was a burden he could never shed? Even if he wished to, he could never escape the shame of his own stupidity. Didn't want to. It was his cross to bear for the rest of his life. It set him apart from everyone else. 

He just wished it didn't have to be such a lonely journey. 

He watched the blank surface of the lake longingly. It would be so easy....

 

\---

 

Working in the dark Potions lab in the dungeons had always been one of Draco's favorite activities. Not only the enigmatic art of brewing, but the entire atmosphere of the room itself, was very dear to him. Here, one could lose oneself in a different world, where your own understanding of the ingredients and the different stages of brewing, led to the final result either being a success or a failure. There was no middle ground. And Draco excelled. 

However, after the war things had been different. A lot of things were, but Draco was sad to find that the exhilaration that used to fill him up when he worked with his cauldron over the fire, had somehow diminished as well. He still excelled at every task he was given, but the joy that used to accompany each successful submission was gone. 

Sometimes he worried that something was seriously wrong with him. Something that time would never heal. Then he would remind himself that he deserved everything that ailed him for being weak in a time, where the choices he made meant the difference between right and wrong - and he made the decision that served himself, and not the greater good. He deserved to be in pain, because he was a coward. 

A few tables in front of him in the Potions lab, stood someone who had made all the right choices. Not because they were easy, but because they were just that: right. Draco admired him more than he could ever put into words. He envied Granger and Weasley for being allowed to be near him, for laughing with him; for being there when he needed them. 

No one needed Draco. 

That was a truth that became more obvious every day. He wished he could feel sorry for himself, but the logic in the truth of it made that impossible. 

The sound of a minor explosion from Weasley's cauldron made Draco look up. The Raven-haired boy clapped his unfortunate friend encouragingly on the shoulder, his smile tinting everything around him with a shimmer of golden light. At least that was what Draco saw. No one else seemed to notice that a living, breathing miracle walked amongst them. They only worshipped him for his heroism and never realized that they put him on a pedestal for all the wrong reasons. 

The right reason being that he was pure and true in all the ways that would ever matter. 

 

\---

 

One afternoon when the air was particularly balmy, and most of the eighth year students were lounging near the Great Lake, Draco sat by himself in the shade of a tall birch tree. Once again, he felt like a ghost in the shadows, watching the living play in the sunlight. 

Only, this time it seemed to make something break inside him. Something irrevocable. 

Nothing had changed around him - but nothing was the same. 

Startled, he rummaged in his bag for something to distract him from this sense of impending doom. 

 

\---

 

The looming threat of Hogsmeade Weekend presented a whole new set of unsettling feelings for Draco. Usually, he would have gone with Theo and Blaise, but seeing as none of them had returned, he would now have to decide whether to go alone or stay behind. 

It wasn't exactly an uplifting prospect. 

He was unusually aware of the happy chatter that filled the halls and corridors, of students making plans for the following weekend. Each gleeful sound felt like a cold stone being thrown into the hollow of his heart. 

One of the voices echoing through his soul, was more familiar to him than that of his own mother. The warm center of it was ever present in his dreams - whether he was sleeping or awake. Draco tried not to turn around to look for its owner. He failed. 

The raven-haired man was flanked by his trusty friends, as per usual. It made sense. They had been through a war together. 

Together...

The loneliness felt like a fist of ice, clenching his heart. What was the purpose of being allowed back to Hogwarts, if the price he paid was so much more painful than staying at home with the hollow shadows of his parents? Was this his punishment? Being ever close to the man he loved - and never be allowed the acknowledgement of his own existence? 

That would be too much to bear. 

 

\---

 

It was to be while everyone else was in Hogsmeade and the castle would be almost empty. That way, he wouldn't be disturbed. 

He watched from a window in one of the towers, as the bustling crowd of students wound through the grounds towards the gates. He allowed a few stragglers to catch up with their friends, before he left the castle and made his way to the lake. 

It was a beautiful day. The sun shone from a clear, blue sky and the sounds of birds filled the warm summer air. Draco wasn't blind to this. If anything, his senses were sharper and more attuned to the world around him in this moment, when his own life was about to end. 

The lake was just as beautiful in daytime. Less bleak and threatening than at night, but still not sharing any of its secrets. Soon, Draco would be one of those secrets. Forever hidden beneath the still, dark surface. 

He took off his cloak and shoes, carefully folding the one on top of the other. His socks followed. He would keep the rest of his clothes on and Vanish the items now resting innocuously in the grass by the shore of the lake. 

He took the few steps remaining between himself and the water. A strange silence surrounded him. Gone were the sound of chirping birds, and leaves rustling in the gentle wind. Not even the violent beating of his own heart reached his ears. So, this was what dying felt like? Silence. That wasn't so bad. He breathed in one last time and stepped forward. 

"Draco?"

The voice cut through the silence in Draco's soul. It would reach him anywhere - maybe even in death. But he wasn't dead. Not yet. 

"Bit well dressed to go for a swim, aren't you?"

Draco forced himself to turn around and look at the owner of the voice. There he stood, mere feet away. His black hair even more tousled than normal, tanned skin tinged with red. A bead of sweat rolled down his temple. He had been running. 

When Draco finally looked into his eyes, he saw it: _Harry knew_. Why Draco was here. And he had come to stop him. But Harry wasn't about to make Draco lay his heart bare. He wasn't here to be the hero. Somehow, Draco knew that. 

That's why he took Harry's proffered hand and allowed him to lead him out of the water. 

"I thought you were going to Hogsmeade with Granger and Weasley?" Draco's voice sounded oddly calm to his own ears. 

Harry looked straight into him with those green, green eyes. "No," he gave Draco's hand a gentle squeeze, "I'd rather spend the day with you." 

A blackbird trilled happily nearby. At least, Draco thought it was a blackbird. It was a beautiful sound.


	2. In Between

That afternoon, Draco told Harry everything.

About the part he played in the war and how sick it made him feel both then and now. How he was trapped in something bigger than himself, where it didn't matter what he thought and felt. He was a mere pawn, easily sacrificed, and all he could do was try to survive for as long as possible. 

They sat in the grass by the shore of the lake, the sun warming their backs. Harry turned out to be a great listener. Draco hadn't known he needed one. 

Somehow, Harry understood far more than Draco would have ever expected. About the doubt and the fear, the desperate loneliness, and the constant dread that one would prove unable to do what was expected - _demanded_ \- and lose one's life in the process. Or worse: cause the death of others.

Harry shared his own heartache. Told Draco about the months of staggering around blindfolded, until he and his friends stumbled upon something that would finally give them a chance to _act_. Draco also learned that Harry had died. 

_Died_. 

Draco's heart had beaten like crazy, when Harry told him this. Living under the same roof as the Dark Lord... _Voldemort_...had been horrific beyond description. But Draco couldn't even imagine what it must have been like to walk to your own death with your eyes wide open. To make that kind of sacrifice for the rest of the world. 

Draco could never be that brave. He told Harry as much. To Draco's surprise, Harry laughed sadly and told him that bravery had nothing to do with it. Draco disagreed. It takes a lot do the right thing, when you have a choice. It takes everything, when you don't. Strangely, Harry blushed when Draco told him this. 

They sat by the lake for hours. Talking and listening to a story so different from their own - and yet so similar in so many unexpected ways. By the time the sun was low enough on the horizon for the other students to return from Hogsmeade, Harry reached for Draco's hand. Draco let him hold it as they looked across the lake until voices in the distance told them that, soon, they would no longer be alone. 

Draco left first, knowing Harry would not leave him on his own by the lake. He needn't have worried. Draco no longer felt the desire to leave this life behind. Harry had shown him a flicker of light in the darkness, and during the afternoon, that light had turned a little bit brighter. 

He could still feel Harry's hand in his own. It felt...right. 

 

\---

 

During dinner, Draco could feel Harry's eyes resting upon him. When he would look up to meet Harry's gaze, the other man gave him a discreet, reassuring smile. Draco felt it warming his insides in a pleasing way. His smiles didn't feel like charity or pity; they felt...honest. And Draco drank them in, his starving heart feasting on every one of them. 

His appetite for food still eluded him, though. Nevertheless, he ate a little and found it to be somewhat less nauseating than usual. Some of the flavors were even appealing. Maybe, with time, he would once again find joy in sitting at a table and not only be pretending to partake in the meal. Then again, maybe not. 

He once again looked up to see the raven-haired man smile at him across the Hall. He smiled back and took a bite out of an apple. It tasted tart. And sweet. 

 

\---

 

Nightmares had come to be an ever present part of Draco's nights since the Dark Lord - no, _Voldemort!_...had taken over the Manor. Sometimes they were gruesome and gory in all their horrendous detail, screams echoing through his soul long after he had woken up; but those weren't the worst. The ones that left him reeling in panic, sweating and panting alone in his room in the dungeons, were those that showed him that he would always be alone. That it was his destiny. 

Such nights would find him curled up in a corner of his bed, sobbing until morning. Those were the nights he didn't go back to sleep. 

In the days after Harry had...rescued him...his nightmares changed slightly. They were still horrible and heart wrenching, but now, more often than not, he would wake up from them with a feeling of...hope. It wasn't an overwhelming feeling, but it felt, in its own way, life changing. The most palpable difference was the fact that he was now able to go back to sleep after a panic attack. That had never happened before. 

As a result, he now felt more rested, his head ever so slightly clearer, making the world around him stand out a little more colorful than before. Sounds and images that used to seem one dimensional now appeared in full form. It was both scary and welcome. 

He was no longer postponing the time when he went to bed at night. 

 

\---

 

More than two weeks had gone by, when Harry had greeted him in the corridors, with a smile that bordered on shy, whenever their paths crossed. Draco made sure they crossed often. The glances and smiles they exchanged during every meal in the Great Hall had also multiplied in number. 

The third week from the day Harry had saved Draco's life, they met by chance at the bottom of a staircase. Draco didn't miss the way Harry's cheeks went slightly pink - nor the way he fiddled with the hem of his robes. He inquired politely into Draco's wellbeing, then immediately apologized for being an idiot. 

"That's not how I meant to go about it.." He tugged at his unruly locks, clearly searching for the right words. "What I _meant_ to say was that you seem better..." His face was now a flaming red. He cleared his throat and looked Draco straight in the eyes. "I'm really glad you decided to come with me that day."

Now it was Draco's turn to blush. Not because he was embarrassed that he had been in a place that seemed so dark and hopeless that he had decided to take his own life, but because Harry stood before him and told him how glad he was that Draco was alive. He _cared_. 

They stood there looking at each other, each trying to convey without words, how much the events of that day meant to them both. No words were needed. Harry's soulful eyes expressed it all so well. Draco found that he wouldn't mind drowning in them a little. 

The sound of voices in the distance broke the spell. Harry bit his lip and Draco looked down. When he raised his gaze again, it was to find Harry looking - really _looking_ at him. His eyes seemed to burn straight into his soul, and Draco welcomed him. The voices drew nearer, and Draco reached out and took Harry's hand in his own. Harry answered with a gentle squeeze. It only lasted a few seconds, but the repercussions were monumental. 

 

\---

 

As the night shrouded the castle in darkness, Draco stood alone in that very same tower, looking out over the moonlit grounds. 

He could hardly believe how different he felt from three weeks ago. It seemed like an eternity had passed, so vastly had everything changed. Well, not everything... The weight of his wrongdoings was still heavy on his soul, but now he didn't have to bear it alone. He had a friend. 

He had Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :)


	3. Above

Harry's legs dangled from Draco's desk. He was talking animatedly about something Draco couldn't concentrate on. How could he, when Harry's bottom was firmly planted on his Potions essay? And more importantly - when his green eyes were sparkling in that thoroughly captivating way? 

Draco tried to focus on the other man's words, since it was the polite thing to do, but once again, he felt his attention draw towards those pink lips as they moved so tantalizingly... Draco shook his head, looked away and berated himself for being such an inattentive friend. It took him a full ten seconds to notice that Harry was no longer speaking. 

Draco dared a glance at his face. Was he trying to hide a smile? Draco flushed red. 

"You haven't heard a word of what I was saying, have you?", Harry asked with a glint in his eyes. Draco's flush deepened. Harry's eyes were warm and kind. "Well, it wasn't that interesting anyway". He didn't hide his smile this time. 

Draco bit his lip. He didn't miss the way Harry's eyes dropped to his mouth at the gesture. Nor the way his cheeks adopted a light flush. There had been a lot of that lately, on both sides - flushing and lip biting and slow smiles. 

Draco hardly dared contemplate what that might mean. His heart beat faster just thinking about it. He knew the way he felt about the other man. How he had felt for years. But daring to hope that Harry...no, he couldn't go there. He had to protect his own heart. 

 

\---

 

It was early November, when Draco first stood alone by the Great Lake again. Harry had offered to go with him, but Draco felt he had to do it on his own. He needed closure. That was something Harry had been adamant about during the last four months. They didn't talk about it much, but Harry tried, from time to time, to ease it into a conversation. 

It wasn't that Draco didn't want to talk about it. In fact, talking about it with Harry meant more than Draco could have ever imagined. Harry made him feel like he could say anything, as if nothing was out of bounds. And Draco loved him even more for it. For being there at all times, ready to listen to any of his heartaches. And Harry shared his own in return. As a result, Draco felt more closely connected to Harry than he had ever felt to anyone. 

The wind was chilly this time of year, causing the surface of the lake to ripple. Gone was the smooth, blank surface with its promise of secrets kept beneath. It didn't matter to Draco; not anymore. Since that fateful day, seeking his own death hadn't crossed his mind once. Harry had been there for him in his most desperate hour. And it made all the difference in the world. 

He gazed across the vast loch, hands buried deep in his pockets. He watched as the sun moved lower on the horizon, and then turned around and walked back to the castle. 

 

\---

 

"You wanna borrow this?" Harry held up a sky blue Weasley jumper and looked at Draco with a poorly hidden grin. The front of it was embellished with a giant **H** in a lighter blue colour. 

Draco blushed at the thought of what wearing Harry's jumper in public might convey to whomever saw him. _He_ knew they were just friends - and so did Harry. He realized it wasn't logical for anyone to presume otherwise. But his heart whispered to him that wearing Harry's jumper for everyone to see, might, perhaps mean that Harry...felt a little more than friendship towards him...

He dismissed the wayward thought with a shake of his head. Harry misunderstood the movement and put the piece of clothing back in his trunk with a wry smile. 

"No!", Draco said, a little too loudly and immediately went pink on the ears. Harry graciously pretended not to notice. "I...Thank you, yes, I would like to borrow it.."

Harry tossed him the blue jumper and an enigmatic smile. Draco hid his red face while pulling on the garment. It was a bit short in the sleeves, but that could be fixed with a little magic. He was about to make a joke about Harry's short arms, but when he looked at the Gryffindor, his words died on his lips. The look on Harry's face... 

Harry cleared his throat and looked down. "You look, ehm...you look good...in that.." His voice was a little rough and he kept his eyes averted. Draco noticed that his own ears weren't the only ones adorned with pink. His heart raced. 

"Thank you. It's nice of you to lend it to me... Now I won't have to go back to my dorm before we go out..." He heard it the minute the words were out of his mouth. He paled instantly. "Before we _leave_ , I mean! Before we...leave.." He wanted to bite off his own tongue. 

On his side, Harry's cheeks went a flaming red. Draco would have found this worth a pondering - if he hadn't been embarrassed enough to want to hide behind his bed curtains for the rest of his life. 

Instead he rushed towards the door. "Best be off then!" 

Harry cleared his throat somewhere behind him. "Yes! Best be off!"

They practically ran down the stairs and into the grounds. Draco didn't dare a glance in the other man's direction, until they had reached the edge of the Forbidden Forest. 

The two of them, roaming the castle and grounds together, had become a common sight, so no one paid them much attention anymore. But today, quite a few fellow eighth years turned in their direction. None of the two noticed, they were far too preoccupied with not looking in each other's direction. But people saw that Draco was wearing Harry's jumper, and soon the whole school echoed with whispers of what that might mean. 

Draco and Harry were blissfully unaware. They had reached their destination and began foraging for their potions ingredients. Draco couldn't help notice the way Harry's hair shone in the autumn sunlight. Or the way his dark green coat made his eyes stand out even more... He sighed inwardly. Why couldn't he find the courage within himself to be a little more direct and just _tell_ Harry how he felt about him?! 

The cold sweat that broke out on his forehead at the thought, told him exactly why: he was a coward...

It felt more like a lightning bolt than he would have anticipated. He felt it all through his body - from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. All at once, he knew: _That was not the truth anymore._ He was no longer a coward. The realization made him lose his grip on his bag of herbs. It fell with a crisp sound on the forest floor. 

Harry turned around to look at him with a small smile. Draco was at his side in three long strides. 

Harry's eyes widened slightly, but he made no other movement as Draco reached out and stroked his cheek with the back of his hand. There was no resistance, and, Draco realized, no real surprise on Harry's part. He just stood there and looked Draco straight in the eyes as Draco moved closer, closer...and _finally_ pressed his lips to Harry's. 

Warm, sweet pressure. 

Draco felt Harry's hot breath on his face as they parted. The separation was short, as Harry immediately captured Draco's lips in a much firmer kiss, letting the tip of his tongue slip in between them. Draco welcomed it with a breathy moan, and the kiss became heated. Hands found their way into silken hair and beneath confining clothes, reaching warm, soft skin. 

_Heaven._

They kissed for what seemed like hours, and only stopped when the hoot of an owl told them that the sun had probably set. When they pulled apart, reluctantly, they felt the chill in the air. Darkness had fallen upon the forest without them noticing. The Forbidden Forest was not the ideal place to be after dark. Draco didn't care. He felt like he could face anything at this moment. 

He grabbed Harry's hand and led him through the trees and brambles. 

When they reached the castle and opened the door, a steady hum of voices told them that dinner was taking place in the Great Hall. Draco looked down at their joined hands. Harry was watching him with a huge smile. The kind that made his eyes sparkle in that way that made Draco weak in the knees. 

They didn't let go of each other, as they entered the Hall and went to sit at the Gryffindor table. Together. 

None of them missed the way the hum of voices first went silent - then resumed with an exited buzz, as everyone seemed to talk at once. 

They grinned at each other. 

 

\---

 

**Epilogue**

He is quite talkative these days, my boyfriend. I enjoy watching him as he speaks with his whole body while explaining something. The way his grey eyes are lit by a fire from within. The same fire that never ceases to amaze me when it is directed at me, to show how much he loves me. He puts his heart and soul into it. And what a beautiful heart it is. 

I love him. 

All of him. From the way he breathes my name, when we're alone, to his stubbornness and snooty attitude. Because I know, who he really is. What lies beneath that cool surface. I'm the only one who gets so see that. The softness, the vulnerability. And that deep, deep love that takes my breath away. 

It's the knowledge that he saved me, just as much as I saved him, that makes me feel thankful in a way that I can never hope to express fully. I never knew that my heart was capable of such undiluted affection, until he showed me. It's not about who we were, but who we've become. 

I'm ready to venture on in this life with him by my side. The love we share makes me feel that there are no limits to the happiness we can achieve. 

Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This my first multiple chapter fic (yes, I know it's only three chapters). Feedback and kudos make giddy :) Let me know if you like it!


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